Ramblings #3

Do you guys think that there’s such a thing as being damaged from previous relationships? And can previous relationships really shape you? If so, how do you reverse this damage? I’ve recently begun a new relationship and I’m constantly worrying and looking for a sign that something must be wrong. It hasn’t exactly been healthy for me, and I find that it’s kind of ruining part of the experience as well. Why do I worry so much? Why must something be wrong? Why can’t I just relax and be happy?

My theory: In high school I had my first serious relationship. It lasted 5 years. It’s crazy long for a first love, but that’s what it was. I was so in love with him. I gave him my everything. I believed that he was my soulmate, that we were going to get married, and live happily ever after.. You know, all that fairy tale garbage! But then I left my hometown and came to Toronto to go to college for Fashion. Our relationship was long distance for almost 8 months when he texted me on St. Patrick’s Day (yes, I remember) that he “couldn’t do this anymore”. Why? I still don’t know. I haven’t talked to him since, but I do know that my friends back home spotted him spending time with a girl he worked with while I was away. Shortly after, they started dating.

Anyways, it was a major shock to me. I thought we were both happy! But he broke my trust and he broke my heart, and now I guess I’m super afraid of it happening again. I don’t want to be taken off guard and have my heart crushed all over again. It hurt. It reallllly hurt! (I’m ashamed, but I didn’t leave my bed for a week!!) I feel like I now subconsciously think I have to protect myself and make sure I’m always prepared/can sense when my next partner’s going to break up with me. I have an obsession with making sure I notice when something’s wrong before I get hurt again. 

So how do I learn to relax? How do I learn to trust that everything is okay? Do any of you know how I could stop myself from worrying so much? On a positive note, at least I can admit and accept that this is my problem. However, it’s not fair to myself or to the person I’m dating to have me constantly doubting that things are completely fine. I want to be happy (and obv I am!), but I want to fully enjoy how lucky I am to have someone who really cares about me!

I definitely think I need to stop obsessing over something being wrong. I don’t have control of whether something terrible happens or not, and I need to accept that. I need to have better trust. As much as I’d like to protect myself from getting hurt, it might happen and there’s nothing I’m going to be able to do to stop it. I have to do my best to just enjoy what I have in the moment and forget about the “what ifs”.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done! Can any of you relate? Leave a comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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4 thoughts on “Ramblings #3”

  1. Being someone who has never been in a relationship, I didn’t think I could fully sympathise and so wouldn’t really be able to help. However… first of all, that TOTALLY sucks, and I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you. I had something interesting happen to me last week; a girl who had previously read my blog maybe (maybe 3-4 years ago) happened to me at a speed-dating event I went to. Such a coincidence. Let’s just say it was a “cultural speed dating event” (i.e. everyone who went was of the same religion). At some point we exchanged details (I can’t remember the convo), and I remember her shortly after the event messaging me and asking if I wanted to hang out. I was in a bit of a predicament, and didn’t feel attracted to her, yet she read my blog etc and seemed like a cool person. In other words, I flaked and ashamed as I am to admit it, I didn’t reply. So, almost a couple of years later, she sent me a really nice whatsapp/email (with the same text) just to say she was reaching out to a couple of folks who she felt she had something unfinished with, and that I didn’t have to reply because even her sending this was helping her let go, and she basically asked me what happened. I sent her a (hopefully) nice response back, just being really honest with her… and it turns out she hadn’t been interested in me anyway, and just wanted to hang out!

    This is a really long way of me suggesting to you to reach out to him in some way, if you feel comfortable with it. There’s an exercise known as the “no send” letter, where you imagine you’re writing a letter to him, to express your thoughts and emotions and put down what you want to put down. At the end, you can decide whether you want to send it or not. It might be a useful exercise, and help you to let go. It got me thinking, and even though I’ve done done this myself (yet, anyway), I’ve recently realised that putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper can be really useful for me. Especially as someone sensitive who can have trouble letting go. Sorry for the essay, and good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HI! Thank you so much for reading my post and for wanting to comment! I really appreciate your suggestion, which surprisingly, I have never considered. I definitely don’t think actually sending it to him would make me feel better but I could try writing something to reverse some damage! Maybe it’ll help me worry less! Who knows! But it’s worth a shot, so thanks again! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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